The Flying Doctor

Scene Four

SABINE, GORGIBUS, SGANARELLE

 

GORGIBUS

Your servant, Sir. I’m thrilled you’re so inclined

To see my daughter, who’s so very ill.

I place my hope in all your learned skill.

 

SGANARELLE

Hippocrates says, seconded by Galen,

Whose arguments, persuasive and unfailing,

Quite demonstrate that man of ill condition

Is one who lacks a healthy disposition.

You’re right to trust me to this heavy mission

For I’m the world’s most capable physician.

No one precedes, no saint or sinner’ll …

Not animal, vegetable, mineral.

 

GORGIBUS

I thrill to know, Sir, of your expertise.

 

SGANARELLE

No common doctor am I, if you please.

All other doctors are, in my opinion,

Pretenders not approaching my dominion.

My talents are unique and most peculiar

With insights with which I could quickly school your

Dull doctors who but barely trammel dreck,

Who know selamalec, selamelec,

“Rodrigue, as-tu du cœur?” Signor Si! Signor!

Per omina saecula saeculor … um.

(Going to take GORGIBUS pulse.)

But let me see …

 

SABINE

                        Not him! It is his daughter!

 

SGANARELLE

No matter, I might just as well have caught her

Condition with a study of the father,

For we would well know if we would but bother,

The sire and the brood are but as one

And illness of the daughter or the son

Is known through change the father is enduring.

If I might have a sample of her urine?

To check contamination of her bile?

 

GORGIBUS

Sabine go have Lucile fill a vial

So that the doctor, here might test her urine.

 

(SABINE exits.)

 

GORGIBUS (Continued.)

I fear, Sir, that these ills may be ensuring
That ere too long my daughter will be dead.

SGANARELLE

Ah! You must keep such notions from her head!

She’s not allowed to die in her condition

Without securing, first, the right prescription.

 

(SABINE returns.)

 

SGANARELLE (Continued.)

This urine shows a heat; an inflammation

The product of a warm preoccupation

A gentle luster; not a bad bouquet. (HE drinks the “urine.”)

You know, it’s not so bad. It is okay.

 

GORGIBUS

What’s that! Oh, my, good sir, you haven’t swallowed… ?

 

SGANARELLE

Of course! I know some doctors long have followed

The custom that to look at it’s enough

And yet, until you’ve tasted of the stuff,

The patient’s state cannot be known for sure.

And yet, I must insist she make some more.

What you provided was too wee a sample, see,

And I must recommend she pee more amply.

 

SABINE (Exiting and returning.)

She had great difficulty making this!

 

SGANARELLE (Drinking again.)

She suffers from an insufficient piss!

Go back again; inform the daughter thusly:

That she must urinate more copiously.

 

(SABINE exits.)

 

SGANARELLE (Aside.)

If from all patients such a pee were had,

To be a doctor might not be so bad.

 

SABINE (Returning.)

This is all of the pee she might squeeze out;

I hope that this time, it might ease your doubt.

 

SGANARELLE

Oh, Monsieur Gorgibus, such a disgrace!

I see this will be quite a heavy case!

Your daughter makes naught but a piddling drizzle,

And such a case of daughter’s diddling pizzle

Points me toward the cure to mend her, thusly,

Whereby she urinates more generously.